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3.29.2012

Myself again.

Guess what? I feel just like myself again! I woke up Tuesday morning feeling great. I had a good day and was more positive than I have been in a long time. I rejoined weight watchers (love that they have a plan for nursing mothers!!) went to school went to work.. It was just a normal day but it was the most normal I have felt in a while. While laying in bed that night.. I thought to myself,"why do I need this medication, I feel totally normal.." and then it hit me.. They had warned me of this..that I would hit a time when I would think I was doing just fine so to question my medication use. And that's when I realized it is working. Fixing these chemicals in my brain to make me less crazy and more balanced :) then the next night..(miss hazel has been quite the sleeper) so I woke up at 4 am in pain of engorgement... She had last eaten at 9 before she fell asleep.. Anyways I jumped up and checked on her and she was sound asleep so I just went and pumped. After I pumped I had a slight moment of panick. What if she wakes up right now, now that I have just pumped.. And I thought to myself- well if that happens ill deal with it then.. When before I would be worried and panicky and would lose sleep over it but things have seemed to be a bit calmer and I have been much less anxious -I am loving it. And now I joke with Jason if only there was a pill to make me want to clean. Haha!! I am grateful for all the love and support I have felt and received during this difficult time in my life. I am surrounded by so many wonderful people and I am in love with my hazey and my role as her mommy!!

3.22.2012

Happy 3 months!





Oh Hazel how time has flown by right before our eyes. You are fast asleep in your crib right now and its time for me to reflect on all the things you have been up to this past month. lets see, you took your third plane trip and your first long car ride and you did great on both! we drove to CA during the night and you slept and slept until we were about 20 min away and then you screamed. you are getting to be quite the little eater (milk monster as cousin Ethan calls you) you are wearing size 1 diapers just about size 2 (probably as soon as we run out of 1's) your 0-3 month clothes are getting pretty snug i think it's about time to get out the 3-6 month clothes! you LOVE playing under your play mat and sitting up/standing up(with our help..) you love to eat your hands and still love your binky. you are a champ at switching back and forth from bottle to breast (thank you thank you!!) and you have been getting used to our nightly routine of bath, eat, burp, song, prayers, swaddle and rock. You still almost always have a 6 hour stretch at night before you wake up and eat and go back to sleep for several more hours. you still are not rolling over (thank goodness) as you do not like your tummy AT ALL.. haha. we try, maybe one day it will just be fabulous. you are still so smiley and have started giggling and laughing a lot more during this past month. oh and you have also been to Taqueria (out of the womb..) 5or6 times! and Gotts.. at least 3 times!Some of my FAVORITE things are when you have finished nursing and you just look up and give me the biggest sweetest smile, your milk drunk smile, and sometimes when you eat you have your hand on your head it is absolutely adorable. we LOVE you baby girl Hazey pop and are SO thrilled you are apart of our family.

3.18.2012

Postpartum

Everything was going great after having a sweet new baby i was at home with my mom helping me with everything and then 2 weeks later, bam. back to no family to help out and school. then it all began. I was certain that being a mom would obviously be rainbows and butterflies and everything else happy in life, i thought i would be able to cook, clean, do homework and raise the perfect child. All of my unrealistic expectations were shot as reality set it, i was just trying to make it day by day with my new life. constant battle of emotions and not to mention being fat (yes i know i just had a baby but it doesn't help the emotions!)and i had this new body- with stretch marks, sore buttocks area, sore from breast feeding, and leaky boobs! how did those other two girls in my nursing class have babies mid semester?! they are amazing- obviously i was meaning to post about my struggles sooner and here is the first post i originally wrote:

From a post i started on February 7th:

"you have a perfectionist personality, you don't like to ever ask for help, you don't ever want to let people know that everything is not okay- you like to put up a happy front and you always try to appease people... You are always trying to do too much." this is how my psychologist described my personality and I think she hit it pretty dead on- this is not a normal post for me and I don't want it to be some pity party post but I have been struggling with postpartum anxiety and depression. I am afraid to go out with just Hazel and I- I am always panicky about if she gets enough to eat, if she is sick, why can't she be on a schedule, what book I should be reading to learn how to parent better, what daily activities I have to be doing to better my child's development, and when she starts to cry I need to hand her to Jason- I have feelings of insufficiency like who would ever leave their child at 2 weeks old to go back to school or how could a good mom leave and go back to work so I must not be a good mom..... I know some are thinking these are normal or no of course you are a good mom.. But no matter what people keep saying about this is normal and just don't think that way. Well I can't not think that way and it may be normal to a point but when you don't feel like you can take your child anywhere and cry for hours it's not normal me.

Now on March 18th:
From my last post my anxiety has gotten better.. but the depression has continued. It is such a hard thing to deal/battle with because its unexplainable. You can't see it- so when people ask why i am crying... i don't have an answer. i don't know why i am crying. the joys of being a sad new mom. I am certain that being far away from family and in the midst of nursing school are not helping my situation much either. As far as anxiety, i am able to venture out in the world with hazel now (i didn't go anywhere just her and i for almost the first 8 weeks) and i know she is getting enough to eat as we are getting the hang of this breast feeding thing. (yes i am trying/plan on EBF. shooting for a full year!) i still have trouble trusting very many people to hold her and almost trust NO one to watch her. sometimes i don't want to hold her as i should or sometimes i am overly protective and don't even want jason to hold her-and most times it is easier to have to go to school or work so i don't have to stress and worry so much about watching her. i should LOVE being a mom, right? whenever i think it is getting better it doesn't. But let me tell you i am grateful for an understanding husband who has put up with me through all of this, wonderful family and friends and a savior who loves me and knows my needs. he knew that i needed my dad to guide me to talk to some people about it and he knew i needed my sisters to advocate for me and help me get the help that i needed. i have started some medication but it takes a couple weeks to really help and i am very very looking forward to being a happy new mom. feeling normal, feeling myself again. this is definitely something i debated posting about because it is such a personal topic. but the more i can talk about it the better it has made me feel, oh and if we happen to run into each other out and about it's okay to give me a hug and ask me how i am.. i may burst into tears but i love to know you care :)

Where to begin...

This is the LONGEST i have gone in between blog posts.. possibly EVER! i have been very busy spending my time with my little hazey! oh, and my last semester of nursing school. i feel like i am drowning, but it will be over soon :) i have to complete 120 hours of clinicals and have 50 complete..which means 70 more hours... but i am LOVING where i am at (a same day surgery center!) and feel like i am learning a lot there. the semester is half-way over!!!! only 48 days or 7 weeks until graduation! and only 53 days until Elder Wagner comes home!! yahoo. oh- and if anyone was wondering... my hormones and i don't really get along just call me crazy ;) .. devyn after a baby = postpartum depression. post on all that fun stuff to come.