Everything was going great after having a sweet new baby i was at home with my mom helping me with everything and then 2 weeks later, bam. back to no family to help out and school. then it all began. I was certain that being a mom would obviously be rainbows and butterflies and everything else happy in life, i thought i would be able to cook, clean, do homework and raise the perfect child. All of my unrealistic expectations were shot as reality set it, i was just trying to make it day by day with my new life. constant battle of emotions and not to mention being fat (yes i know i just had a baby but it doesn't help the emotions!)and i had this new body- with stretch marks, sore buttocks area, sore from breast feeding, and leaky boobs! how did those other two girls in my nursing class have babies mid semester?! they are amazing- obviously i was meaning to post about my struggles sooner and here is the first post i originally wrote:
From a post i started on February 7th:
"you have a perfectionist personality, you don't like to ever ask for help, you don't ever want to let people know that everything is not okay- you like to put up a happy front and you always try to appease people... You are always trying to do too much." this is how my psychologist described my personality and I think she hit it pretty dead on- this is not a normal post for me and I don't want it to be some pity party post but I have been struggling with postpartum anxiety and depression. I am afraid to go out with just Hazel and I- I am always panicky about if she gets enough to eat, if she is sick, why can't she be on a schedule, what book I should be reading to learn how to parent better, what daily activities I have to be doing to better my child's development, and when she starts to cry I need to hand her to Jason- I have feelings of insufficiency like who would ever leave their child at 2 weeks old to go back to school or how could a good mom leave and go back to work so I must not be a good mom..... I know some are thinking these are normal or no of course you are a good mom.. But no matter what people keep saying about this is normal and just don't think that way. Well I can't not think that way and it may be normal to a point but when you don't feel like you can take your child anywhere and cry for hours it's not normal me.
Now on March 18th:
From my last post my anxiety has gotten better.. but the depression has continued. It is such a hard thing to deal/battle with because its unexplainable. You can't see it- so when people ask why i am crying... i don't have an answer. i don't know why i am crying. the joys of being a sad new mom. I am certain that being far away from family and in the midst of nursing school are not helping my situation much either. As far as anxiety, i am able to venture out in the world with hazel now (i didn't go anywhere just her and i for almost the first 8 weeks) and i know she is getting enough to eat as we are getting the hang of this breast feeding thing. (yes i am trying/plan on EBF. shooting for a full year!) i still have trouble trusting very many people to hold her and almost trust NO one to watch her. sometimes i don't want to hold her as i should or sometimes i am overly protective and don't even want jason to hold her-and most times it is easier to have to go to school or work so i don't have to stress and worry so much about watching her. i should LOVE being a mom, right? whenever i think it is getting better it doesn't. But let me tell you i am grateful for an understanding husband who has put up with me through all of this, wonderful family and friends and a savior who loves me and knows my needs. he knew that i needed my dad to guide me to talk to some people about it and he knew i needed my sisters to advocate for me and help me get the help that i needed. i have started some medication but it takes a couple weeks to really help and i am very very looking forward to being a happy new mom. feeling normal, feeling myself again. this is definitely something i debated posting about because it is such a personal topic. but the more i can talk about it the better it has made me feel, oh and if we happen to run into each other out and about it's okay to give me a hug and ask me how i am.. i may burst into tears but i love to know you care :)